Why is change scary?

Change is part of life. Without it, everything would suck. Being stuck in one place, across my life, drives me nuts. I'm not a "through the motions" kind of guy, though I have things I keep like that. It's tough to explain... while parts of my life may be status quo, I'm always doing something to better myself.

To that end, I've been looking for a new job. I'm absolutely fed up with my current employer. In my nearly six years here, instability was part of the job. Until this last bout, as we're going through merger actions (we were purchased by a bigger fish last year), I hadn't gotten this stuck. But this round, things have been grating on me. I know what I'm doing at work, but not what my job is. I couldn't describe what I do, or why they have me employed. I was told because I was a technical expert, but everything I do is around process (something I didn't really handle before) related.

On Wednesday, I interviewed with the largest employer in the US outside of the Federal Government. Sitting through it all, I've realized exactly how much my current job has hurt me. Answering questions and talking about my accomplishments, I realized that in six years of work, I did a lot, and learned a lot, but none of it related to being in a team doing that same thing. I'm trying to become a programmer, something I went to college for and would love to make my career focus. I have the skills and education for it, but everything at my current job has been a one-man show. We had no resources to get things done, so we cobbled it together. This new job would be resource and team intensive.

I'm not scared of starting somewhere new. I crave that. I'm not scared of moving, I've been trying to for years. I'm not scared of programming, though the scale will be a bit daunting. But what I am scared about is failure. I'm scared of getting a job and figuring I don't know anything, and will be fired for it. I don't know how I'd react. I've never been fired from a real job (in fact, the only time I was canned, it was as a scapegoat when I was 14, but totally different story), and for the most part, I've excelled. I demand such of myself. I like metrics, goals, and a way to measure myself.

That's probably why I'm so dissatisfied right now. I don't have anything to strive for. We're trying to stitch everything together because they laid-off most of our experts. I don't know how I can succeed, because I don't know what I'm doing. But changing means taking a risk. Moving somewhere new and potentially failing. I should know if I get the job by the end of the week. My impressions after the interview were that I stood a very good chance. They liked me (for whatever reason) and felt I'd be a good fit. They're most likely doing a background check and will see my ugly but improving credit and clean record (seriously, only trouble of note is a couple of speeding tickets). So now I'm in that terrible waiting part, which is the worst.

I hope it goes well. That's all I can do. It's out of my hands. My general motto is that I don't get worked up over things I cannot control, but at times like this, it's hard to stick to it. But should I get it, that means change.

And it scares the shit out of me.