I didn't lose my faith. I discarded it.

In a continuing kick that I've been on as of late, I felt like sharing my trip from dedicated Christian to increasingly annoyed atheist. Yep, that's right, I used to be a Christian. I want to make it clear on one point... I didn't lose faith, I threw it away. It was never a moment of "why me" in the whole mix. I've always accepted that the world is imperfect, and shit happens. It's not because of some great fall though, it's because of basic scientific concepts like natural selection and an outstandingly complex biosphere.

This road started years ago for me. First, it's because, like all other teenagers, I really enjoyed sex. Sex is a great thing, and we're wired to want to do it. Of course, church had me scared shitless away from it, but like the vast majority of other kids, my baser instincts took control. I never knocked a girl up or anything, but of course, given that I raised in the church, I didn't use condoms or the like. I was lucky in a way that thousands of kids aren't every day.

In college, it only got worse. I got involved in a group called Chi Alpha (XA) Campus Ministries. Mind you, they were very cool, sort of. As far as "churches" go, they were nice. Good people my age and very good at talking to the college scene.

Still, I have this problem, one that's kind of weird. I have a very, very hard time giving into a suspension of disbelief. I can imagine things, believe fantastical things about the universe, and write my own fiction that, in itself, requires said suspension. But I can't do it very well myself. I never heard, or honestly, even felt God. I got caught up in the moment like so many others, but that's about it. Hindsight being what it is, I look at it now and remember what it was like. And it wasn't all that special.

I'd already gotten away from my church back home. Anytime I went back, people I'd known for most of my life forgot who I was, and the little voice in the back of my head kept urging me to tell them to fuck themselves with sticks. I was always "Mary's oldest son," and that just irked me. Part of that was my parent's fault... they never felt the need to be involved in or discuss my life. That's probably why I never talk to them now. So, home church was a wash.

Now back to college, because that's where I took my first steps. In my first senior year (the effect of changing my major too many damn times), I went through some major changes in my life. Suffice it to say, it was all for the better, but because of a major change in the relationship era. This pain caused me to run to God, and I probably was at the depths of my delusion at that point. I was involved in everything and in the blissful contentment of ignorance.

Of course, while I was trying to get even more involved and back into a leadership role (something I'd done for a couple of years before taking a year off), I was told that "they felt my faith needed more time." In that moment, the whole illusion was shattered. I was infuriated and broken at the same time, and realized that this organization I'd spent so many hours on was no longer useful. It was an epiphany of sorts.

I made it out of my problems without their help. I met my wife, whom I love dearly. There was no divine plan, it was good (hell, it was great) fortune. Ironically, we started to talk because of that organization. We also worked at the same place, and that was a far bigger part.

Mind you, there was far more. I've always been caught up in Science, though I was a physics/astronomy fan more than Biology. So, I managed to dodge a big part of the whole Evolution vs. Creation nonsense, but there's equally as much nonsense in the realm of astronomy. While there, I met two of the smartest people I've ever known.

One was my roommate, Eric, who was a nice guy that was a pretty bad friend. He was amazingly talented, studying to be a doctor, and most likely still is a Young Earth creationist. I thought we were close, but when I was going through all my problems, he was too busy to share any time with me. We happened to share a house for a summer, and I saw him even less. He'd decided to give up medicine and become a Youth Minister, and as far as I know, followed through with it. Like I said, Creationist, so I remember when I lost a great deal of respect for him... it involved the whole Great Flood and Noah thing. How could anyone studying medicine, which required biology, understand that? He knew the level of complexity in the world, so how he could still believe baffled me. A near fatal blow to my intellectual respect for him came after he gave a talk on modern cults. Of course, he listed Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam and Mormonism in there.

I've always had a huge issue with the contrast of religion. They all believe they're the right one, and their justification for that is that they're right and everyone else is wrong. It's all social conditioning, and that's that. I'm sure if I was raised in Islam I'd believe it was right and Christians were full of shit, until I decided it was all crap and walked on.

Another is one I hadn't thought about until I found a link to his blog on a religious site that'd been linked (and rightfully mocked) by a science blog I was reading. Glen was a great guy that was also very smart, and enjoyed science. Of course, he was an apologist, trying to reconcile science and religion. I remember discussions about evolution and astronomy, and the explanations trying to fit God in where there wasn't a need for him. I will give him some serious credit though, since he first introduced me to Bad Astronomy, way back in the day.

It was odd thinking about them last week, and knowing where I am now. I'd read a bit of Glen's blog and had to close it eventually. It wasn't a sudden conversion to where I am now, it was gradual. I started to spend more of my time reading science and history stuff, and that started to bend the armor. Enjoying sex with my wife before she was my wife helped too (and it was nice and monogamous). Then I started to read. I wandered across Skeptic magazine when it had Mythbusters on it, whom I just love. After that, it touched me off with several other books, and eventually, Penn & Teller's Bullshit!, and the work of Penn Jillette in general.

It still wasn't a revalation, more like a realization. I figured out that what I felt was being pushed to what I was starting to believe. It was to simply disinterested about religion to agnosticism to atheism.

Of course, even if I'm wrong about it, I'm not sure I care. While I know that most Christians are actually good people (well, most of them are actually Christians in name only), there are a ton that are complete fuck heads. Those asshats protesting funerals because God hates Gays, the people who kill and torture kids because they feel they're entitled, fanatics in general... If any one of them ends up in some paradise, I'd rather take an eternity in hell for being true to myself and the beliefs I've developed.

Atheism isn't a leap of faith. It's moving past the need of faith. I no longer have to consider the questions and worry about some mysterious asshole fairy looking over my shoulder if I happen to lie or swear. I could ascribe plenty of other adjectives to the almighty based on reading the bible (I have, a few times), that paint him/her/it in a terrible light (you know, like why was he a complete asshole for the first few thousand years of existence only to go all hippie and talk about loving everyone), but won't.

What's always weird to me is that there's this idea that being an atheist is somehow equated to being amoral. That only by following some god or fairy (perhaps Elvis) can you have moral. If you don't believe in god(s), you're not accountable to anyone. But that's plain horseshit. We are always accountable to the people around us. Atheists just do it because that's how societies operate.